Traveling can provide some funny and crazy stories….and some of the most awkward situations you’ll ever get into. Over the last few years of my travels I’ve had some really awkward instances and this last stay in Bali finalized my decision to write about some of my worst moments. Mike created some sketches to illustrate the stories better. He really is the best partner ever because really who comes up with these sketches? I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself.
I warn these stories might be a bit graphic.
Awkward Moment #1: The blocked toilet
I have this crazy relationship with toilet paper. I know how to use it yet I always seem to ‘overdo’ it. The women in my household are known for using half a roll in one sitting. I hate baby wipes and even unsanitary as it sounds I’d rather make my ass red and raw with paper than use the scented baby freshners. Something about the wet butt that I really don’t like to have. Ever. Mike used to say that we wasted more money on toilet paper than food. Trust me, I can make a roll disappear. Quick. This is how you get the dreaded blocked toilet. I’ve managed to block almost every toilet we’ve been to on this trip so far. I seem to always forget the ‘courtesy flush’, as Mike calls it. For the most part, if you wait a while and try again the paper will eventually go down. Not so in our fancy villa in Seminyak, Bali.
I did the dirty then did my usual half a roll consumption. Then the flush. The most expensive place we’ve ever stayed and the paper threatened to make a messy poo ( a pun, a pun!) all over our fancy bathroom floor. Mike insisted I tell the front desk since he was not going to take the rap for being the blocker this time. We went out for dinner and I told the security guard, in my nice/baby voice that I’d put too much paper in the toilet and would they mind fixing it for us? He smiled and said no problem, like people blocked toilets in fancy villas on the daily. I had no shame though. We all make the poos- I just have to remember to flush it down frequently as I shove massive amounts of paper down the hole.
*Update: I am now a HUGE fan of baby wipes and the bum gun. I don’t know why I bitched about the baby wipes for so long. I can’t live without them now. I still use way too much toilet paper.
Awkward Moment #2: The vibrator under the pillow
Ladies: some of you own one, some of you don’t. If we’re close you know that I never travel without my vibrator (aka buzz buzz). And for those who didn’t know, well-there it is. Since some of my travels are without Mike and I can’t get a replacement “Mike” while he’s gone to work at sea my vibrator is the next best thing. Even when we travel together, I still bring my buzz buzz along. Hey, sometimes you get tired and you just want a quick finish to sleep good, right? Especially when your partner is already asleep. It can be a good friend indeed. For the most part, I try to remember to put it away especially when I know they are going to come in and clean the room. But sometimes, I forget. And that’s when the awkwardness begins…
We’ve come back to some hotels and it’s been propped up right next to the pillow like a teddy bear. We wonder what they make of it. Do they battle each other with it? For sure they’re touching it, poor things. Recently our stay on the 95% Muslim Island of Koh Yao Yai saw me forget to put it away. In the middle of breakfast I ran back to the room, only to see the door wide open and the maid hard at work making the bed. I smiled sheepishly and pretended I came for a bottle of water. When we went back to the room later it was propped in between the pillows. Being a buzz buzz is hard work sometimes. It gets tired and needs a rest. The best story was again at our fancy villa in Seminyak. We’d gone out in the afternoon for a quick snack run and come back to find 5 Balinese kids giggling and hovering around the bed. Oh snap! I’d forgotten to hide Señor buzz buzz again. The look on their faces was priceless. As soon as they saw us they scampered to finish cleaning and left in a hurry. They were obviously more embarrassed than I was.
And now…my most awkward moment ever…I warn you. It’s pretty graphic. You might not want to read this right after a meal.
Awkward Moment #3: Shit showdown in Cuidad Bolivar, Venezuela
We’d gotten real sick here-eating some meat on a stick from a street vendor had left us delirious and alternating between puking and pooping. The fever was brutal. I lost count of how many days we shacked up in what can only be described as one of the shittiest hotels I’ve ever slept in. After waking up from a coma one day, I found I had to go #2 real bad. Of course, we had been using the toilet so much-and what with my knack for clogging it up, the poor thing was on the brink of a complete malfunction. Mike was taking his turn ‘letting it all out’ and I whined at him to hurry it up. I could hardly hold it in. I ran into the bathroom, where I watched him filling a plastic bucket to try to flush the toilet. It had finally pooped out. (another pun yea!) More whining about how I really had to go and I couldn’t wait. My legs shaking, I proceed to try to sit on the seat but for some reason-thinking I had the hole aimed downwards-I let loose, accidentally spraying the back of the toilet seat, the floor, and everything else around me with liquid poo.
With no time to run out before I exploded, poor Mike-who at this point was still hovered on the shower ledge with the bucket, gives me this look of sheer horror. Using the bucket as a shield, he drops it and runs out, slamming the door to the room behind him. I started crying and screaming at the same time. My legs were shaking. I’m sweating. I look around and realize I just shit all over the bathroom. The only thing I had going for me was the fact that I’d been pooing for so many days at this point it just looked like vomit. And it didn’t smell like anything, in case you were wondering. I managed to wipe myself free of the mess and went looking for Mike, who’d disappeared all the way down to the lobby. In my illness I somehow thought he was going to clean up the mess for me before he set me straight. “I’m not going back in there until you clean that mess up! Nasty bitch!” I tried to convince him to go back in the room so I could whine and complain that I had nothing to clean the mess with. He flat out refused, sitting in an outside chair in the hallway. “If you don’t clean that up I am not going back in there!”, with the look of horror still plastered to his face. He looked utterly traumatized.
I cleaned what I could with toilet paper and baby wipes, but the majority of the mess remained. I decided to ask the front desk for some help. Going back to the lobby, I see an assortment of folks gossiping and hanging around. This is what Spanish people do best. I tell the desk clerk I need some disposable cleaning items because I was sick. She hands me some towels. Then the conversation goes something like this. (translated from Spanish)
Me: “No, no I need something I can throw away.”
Desk Clerk: (gives me curious look) “You don’t want towels?” “You want a mop?”
Me: “I made an accident in the bathroom. Definitely no mop unless I can throw it away.”
Desk Clerk: (at this point everyone in the lobby stops talking and stares at me) “Oh, ok, I understand. I be right back.” (she brings me 2 gigantic old sheets.) “You throw away after ok?” (wait, does this happen often? they keep the old sheets for the shitters?)
Me: “Thank you so much. You got some disinfectant I can borrow too?” (she shakes her head no. guess I’ll have to settle for just the sheets)
I take my sheets and toilet paper back upstairs and stare at the floor while laughing hysterically. I mean, what else can you do?
I cleaned the mess as best as I could while being watched by a gigantic gecko on the bathroom wall. I tried to tell him to run away but he just stared at me. We were afraid to ask for another room because it still looked like a bomb had exploded in the bathroom, and we’d not be able to explain what happened-at least not without suffering some more major embarrassment. So as sick as we were, we used shoes to go in the bathroom for the few days that it took us to recover enough to flee.
And there it is, some of the most awkward stuff that’s ever happened to me. I’ve never written such a personal post but well you gotta start sometime right? Mike must really love me because he’s still around, although these days he stays clear of the bathroom when I’m in there handling my business.
I would love to hear about your awkward hotel moments! Please share all grossness in the comment box below!